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Acceptance of Breast Cancer - Part 5, Tamoxifen's Side Effects

Tuesday 15 September 2020 @ 5:07 pm

The begining is always tough.

Prebiously years ago when I was prescribed Visanne for my endometriosis, my body had a hard time adjusting to it. Now, similarity I am having a tough time with Tamoxifen.

Tamoxifen is a cancer treatment drug and i expect it to be worst. My Breast surgeon has already warned me before hand on the various side effects that will be "serve" to me once I am on it.

Hot Flashes wasn't a totally new thing to me cause I suffered from that when I was on Visanne.

At the start of taking Tamoxifen, I experienced:

1. Stomach upset during the first two weeks of it. Subsequently no more.

2. Hot flashes - I am immune to it cause i know what to expect.

I thought maybe would not be that bad but subsequently as the weeks progress, I felt more side effects coming in to join the party.

3. Metallic feeling in the mouth

The after effect of taking the medicine and experiencing weird and very off taste in my mouth. My taste bud was so off. Usually, i could take curry food but after on Tamoxifen, I felt like my mouth literally on FIRE. Not sure what wrong but it did took my appetite away and I crave for sweet things like honey.

4. Fatigue

Super tired the whole day. Just lack of energy to do anything.

5. Body ache/ Joint pain

I started to experience those aches every morning when I wake up. The joint felt so stiff and feel funny. I don't rememberes having such incident previously.

6. Memory fog

This is the THING. I really don't know how I going to function when I returned to work this coming 1st Oct. The nurses were teaching me how to dress my wound. Usually, I could remembered quite well but I forgot instantly and can't remembered. Now I just bring a notepad and write on jot it down in my hp. Another incident was, my suervisor asked me to recap on documents status but no matter how hard I tried, I could not and all those was done 2 months back.

7. Dry skin triggering Eczema

My skin got so dried that my eczema got trigger and angry red patches appeared on my face with peeling. As this was not bad enough, my lip started peeling. Now what an agony that the pain from my lip stopped me from eating cause painful.

I am not sure what other subsequent side effects will appear.

One thing good about Tamoxifen is that it helps to ease my period cramp. That the only good things so far, I felt.

Acceptance of Breast Cancer - part 5

Thursday 10 September 2020 @ 1:00 pm

There has been so much contradiction about whether Breast Cancer Patients can take Soy products. To be honest, Soy Products is everywhere in Asian food and it is super tough to avoid it. I really wonder how am I going to avoid lor.

I will try to avoid but I will still try to touch some soy products outside. If I am eating out, it is totally impossible.

I really have no idea on how to total avoid it. Saying is easy but it is tough.

All the things that I like to eat contain soy sauce and I am really sad that I cant have them. I will 偷吃 lor or eat them on my birthday month.

So tough.

I really don't know.

All my jap food

All my braised items

And many Asian Cruisine all got SOY.

Sad

Acceptance of Breast Cancer - Part 4, Tamoxifen

So 15th August came and I was scheduled to see Dr Wong Nam Soon from OncoCare to get my genetic testing result and after see Dr Chan for a follow up.

I was really worry about this genetic testing result and hope it would be negative. Was waiting outside the room feeling so scared and worry cause most times, all reports came back postive which make me so scared. At last, I waa informed that I could see Dr Wong. Feeling kancheong already as he flipped thru the report result. Then he looked at me, the genetic testing result is negative and I don't carry the BRCA1 or BRCA2 genes mutation that causes Breast Cancer. Like he says, me getting Breast Cancer was like just out of the blue but could be contributed by external factors.

Went down for my follow up with Dr Chan and was told to start with the cancer treatment drug, Tamoxifen for the next 5 years. One box of this Tamoxifen with 30 tablets to last one month would set me back by $221 odd. This amount could let me have a good meals or even a short trip but well now $221 has to be spend on medication. Talking about how heart-pain I was when I was on Visanne and Visanne set me back by $80.89 then. I was grumbling how expensive and now Tamoxifen is worst. It cost more.

So I started Tamoxifen on 15 August 2020.

I hate talking pills and to be honest, I can't swallow pills to save my life. I have this phobia of getting choke by medications. Whenever dr gave me pills or capsule, I will me like omg, died liao. When I eas given antibiotics like Augumentin - this tablet is so big, how to swallow lah??!! Amoxicilin, another antibiotics which is capsule. I just detest those tablets and capsule form of medicine but I got to take. Usually, I will just bite the tablet when given like what I did when I was hospitalized at Mt E. I practically bite all the tablets - doctors will be shocked cause some medications can't be bite like TAMOXIFEN so hell no, I need to figure how to swallow this Tamoxifen down without choking.

It started me feeling so stress on whether I could swallow it down. Went to research on how to swallow pills and even went as far to buy a pill swallow device - ok I so lame. I did not know got such device but well I bought it thinking it would help me.

I read about how putting the pill in the mouth and drank large amount of water down and with a close bottle cap. I tried many method like mixing cold water and luke warm water. This combination did work and somehow the water managed to make Tamoxifen tablet grow smaller and with large amount of water, I managed to flush it down without bitting the tablet although I drank like 250ml of water down just to swallow a pill. I am a joke lah but at least, I did not choked on the tablet.

To other swallowing pills is an easy thing to do BUT for me, it is so tough and the phobia is there so I really need effort to psycho myself.

It has been 27 days on Tamoxifen.

How I feel?

Stomach Upset

When I first started on this medication, I have stomach upset cause the body did not have any intro to such medicine before.

Fatigue

For no reasons, I just feel very tired and lack of energy to do things. I just want to laze around and do nothing.

Metallic taste

This is something new to me. Ever since taking this medication, I always this metallic taste in my mouth and after in which when I ate anything, the food taste weird. Taste bud changes... not sure.

Hot flashes

Not a uncommon thing to me to begin with. I experienced this on visanne but would says this one was much worst causing me distress on how to sleep in peace

Joint paints

I only noticed this lately when I tried to stand up and my ankle hurt. I still take 2000iui calcium and vitamin D tablets so shall monitor this.

Fogging Memory

Yes, I have this. I find that my memory was not as crystal clear like last time. I can't remembered things well that I need to write down. Even what the nurses told me, I would barely be able to remember.

Hair loss

Noticed as I comb my hair, hair falls are getting more common. Much as I can't bear to trade my long hair that I kept so long, having shorter hair would be better if my hair continue thinning. I should count myself lucky that it is not dropping in lump. My dr says I am lucky cause mine was early stage cancer BUT I need not have chemo or radiation which is much more tough.

To be honest, it is post 2 months plus but somehow the emotional scaring is there. To lose something from your body is painful. I never forsee that I will be diagnosed with Breast Cancer. Although mine was a DCIS but it is muti-focal breast cancer so I have no choice but to undergo a mastectomy whixh to me was a very tough decision. I was not willing but I have no choice. To have the breast which was with me for years since puberty hit me at 12yo, it was super overwhelming to me. Just like this quote, how true. This jouney is just so tough.

Acceptance of Breast Cancer - part 3

Monday 10 August 2020 @ 12:02 am

Obstacles

I have to go thru was the recovery of my wound that was so slow that because of it, I undergo debridgement. Before that, I was always going in to Mt E Novena where my plastic surgeon was based. The look on my PS face always made me really worry cause to be exactly to know whether the tissues survived. It was taking a toll on me with every three to four days going in to the hospital abd seeing my PS puzzled face and wondering why is my wound is like this. There was once I decide to just see how the wound look like. The dark patch I saw - it means that the tissue has died and debridgement was a must. To undergo those surgeries under local anesthesia was to me frightening. So the latest surgery I did on 4th of August, I decide that I dont wish to go thru of local anesthesia and opt for sedation to put my mind at ease.

It has been very tough since the start of this jouney and with the wound not recovering. My oncologist wanted to start the treatment which come with its own side effects too which I am not sure how I would cope.

To gain support, I decide to joined the FB group " Breast Cancer Foundation" and Breast Cancer Singapore Support group to find like minded people like me. It was easier to talk to people who had the same diagnosis as it offered solace to me and help me too.

It gonna be tough but I have to move forward and fight on.

Next week will be another tiring week with me getting the genetic testing result. May the odd be with me. May the result be negative.

I can only pray but I know the result is out and there is no way I can change it too.

* I ordered some cakes as a thankful gesture and send it to Dr Georgette Chan to thank her.

Acceptance of Breast Cancer Part 2

Sunday 9 August 2020 @ 11:55 pm

#throwback to 3th July 2020.

The five days flew very fast and how I wished I could pause the time. Although I have sort of accept it but I was still very sad caused I knew this going to be a very major surgery to date. Throughout thd jounery to Mt E orchard, I couldn't stop tearing cause deep down I was actually very scared. I just don't know how to express how vulnerable I was. I just felt like my world has came to a standstill.

The surgery was scheduled at 1030am but I need to report early for admission. After the paperwork was done, I was brought to my single room where I was told to get ready for the surgery. Everything felt very unreal and I felt I was dreaming and hope that it was just a bad dream. I still felt very unsettled in the room. I changed to the surgical outfit and stare into space and wish I could pause the time. As I was deep in my thought, my PS ( Plastic Surgeon), Dr Christopher Chui came and explained to me the procedures and told me to get ready cause the Operating Theatre staffs will be coming soon. Not long after he left, the OT staffs came. At this moment, my tears suddenly fall cause I did not expect it was that fast. As I was pushed down to the OT, I was tearing. My parents went down with me and as I was pushed into the entrance of the OT, I felt even more scared 😨.

Everyone in that area was dressed in their surgical outfit. Then my anesthesiologist, Dr Chin came. I know her cause she was the one who did my sedation when I did my core needle biopsy. She tried to calm me down by chatting with me and then when I calm myself down, I was pushed into the OT and I saw Dr Georgette Chan, my oncologist. She too tried to calm me down further before I was administered General anathestia for the surgery.

The surgery was a success but I was actually pushed to the Intensive Care Unit instead of High Dependency Unit as the doctors felt it is better for me to be in the ICU. I woke up in shock and realized there was many machines around me. I was scared and yet there was no one there except the nurses. The silent of the ICU room and the only sound of my heart beat make me more scared. I just can't explain that fear I was facing when I woke up in the ICU. The fear was strong. I spent roughly two days there and I was constantly checked by the nurses and my two doctors. I was also vomitting very badly that I kept have to request for vomit bags. The days at ICU was also very traumatising for me cause I saw those nurses running here and there when the alarm sound and hear them muttering patient need CPR all those. When I finally left the ICU, I saw those camotose patients hooked to those machines and felt very scared seeing such scene.

I was finally allowed to be shift to the normal ward. I was happy but I was still looking super pale cause I just could not stomach anything down. Even a cup of milo caused me to throw up even more and there was nothing I could eat.

I was intro to the nurses at the normal ward that I was staying. Throughout my days at the normal ward, I was taken care very well by this group of nurses from Mt E. I remembered some of the nurses name especially this nurse called "Ho Choon", Lin and Sherry (Ms Avocado).

As I did a DIEP flap, the nurses has to make sure that my Flap survived. Dr Christopher and Dr Chan also came in very frequently to check on my wound. My flap survived.

I was really thankful to the nurses for checking on me throughout the nights especially those night shift nurses as they have ro constantly update the dr about my condition. They also have to update on the drainage pump that I have. I have 4 and those drains are a pain. The days when I could remove them one by one was my happiest day cause it is really painful to be on that drain.

After many days, Dr Chan and Dr Chris felt I was fit to be discharged but I have to go home with one drain cause there was still some liquid not being pumped. The last drain was also painful cause it was already embedded in my body for a long time. The last drain was with me for two weeks till I went to my PS to removed them.

Throughout this tough journey from discovering I have Breast cancer to the surgery, I am very deeply thankful to Dr Georgette Chan for giving me the emotional support all these way. Her reassurance has help me alot. Thank to Dr Christopher too for helping and trying to solve my complex wound problem.

Labels: Breast cancer.

Acceptance of Breast Cancer ): Part 1

Monday 29 June 2020 @ 7:29 pm

It is never gonna be EASY but I know I have to be BRAVE to face it. To be honest, at the start I was really not prepared for this. I REGRETTED my Decision perhaps I could not accept it. Who can? I remembered crying my eyes out after the MRI result turned out as horrible as the ultrasound result. I have no one in the family having this particular cancer and I was really shaken to the core. As the MRI result was bad, I was advised that I should do a core needle biopsy already and it is kind of expected that it is cancer. I was still hoping that the result would turn out benign but well, it is malignant. I was shattered and my tears fell like the pouring rain. I could not accept it but after calming myself and getting thru the grief, I accept it cause at least it was discovered early and at the earliest stage, I could be cure 99%.

I just felt unlucky that I would be struck by it.

Who says girls below 40s won't get this? Perhaps I was also complacent.

It is 5 days to my upcoming surgery.

My specialist want me to be as positive as possible and not have any negative thoughts. I should also try to exercise like going for walks and jog to relax my mind.

There nothing much I can do other then accepting it .

Awareness

Monday 21 October 2019 @ 12:31 pm

I was really HAPPY when I found this private group "Singapore Endometriosis Support Group". No one will understand OUR PAIN till you faced it. In the past, whenever I raise up the topic about this, I was being label as "weak" or like my grandma says, you are so lousy and "inferior quality" that why you always every month so pain. It make me feel so lost and disappointed then cause no one really understand. It Is only lately that this topic which was always drag under the carpet was having awareness cause of how many women are being diagnosed by it BUT usually when they are finally diagnosed, it is TOO LATE.

In the past when I have such pain, I just popped painkiller like candy to sooth my pain but well it just got worst cause after a while, the body got immune to the painkiller so ended up I was on synflex which was damn strong that I got to take omeprazole a medicine to protect my stomach lining. I was also very adamant about seeing a gynaecology then cause I was not marry and I felt really embarrassed to see one BUT I was left with no choice but to seek help then cause the pain was spiral out of control.

The month "October" hold fond memories for me especially October 2015. It was the day I plucked my courage to decide to go ahead with surgery. The fear I have was huge and I did not know what to expect and my parents was worry sick too.

Well, everything was good although I have a few relapse over these 4 years and I guess I may have to stick with the medication to control it before it showed me its ugly face again but attacking me.

The only thing I hate on the medication is I cant stop my weight BUT exercising had managed to stop the weight from yoyo-ing but am not satisfied with the weight I see - in any case, I know my BMI is failed.

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